


Alone

by grethan-allmance (Sapphire09)



Series: Grethan Drabbles [29]
Category: The Dolan Twins, Youtube RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, seriously, this is angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28205124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphire09/pseuds/grethan-allmance
Summary: He laid awake at night, his bed feeling colder and colder, no matter how much blanket he tried to pile on. Even when he was sweating, he still felt cold.Alone.
Relationships: Ethan Dolan & Grayson Dolan
Series: Grethan Drabbles [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1276412
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Alone

He laid awake at night, his bed feeling colder and colder, no matter how much blanket he tried to pile on. Even when he was sweating, he still felt cold.

Alone.

It wasn’t a new feeling, the rising sense of anxiety over technically nothing, the sense of being untethered and lost.  _ Ungrounded _ .

Usually, he could just go to Ethan’s room, take the empty side of his bed and assured himself that he  _ wasn’t  _ alone. That he still have someone with him. He’s not lost, and he still has someone to ground him. And he would fall asleep then, just listening to the other’s breathing.

But, he can’t any more. Ethan’s other side of the bed is no longer empty, and he no longer have the privilege of entering Ethan’s space whenever he could, whenever he needed to. That privilege belongs to someone else now, and all he could do is to have the grace of bowing out.

After all, Ethan’s priority was clear, and Grayson was no longer at the top of that list.Grayson accepted it, because Ethan was  _ happy _ . And when Ethan is happy,  _ he’s  _ happy.

That was how it was supposed to be, anyway.

Instead, he was realizing that he lost something on the way. There’s nothing tethering him. Nothing to ground him.

He feels lost. He  _ was  _ lost. It used to that he could count on Ethan to find him, with his weird sense of twin-specific radar. Ethan would always find him, when it counted. But now, he doesn’t think Ethan can find him. He doesn’t think Ethan would even think to  _ look _ .

He would try to look for a way out himself, but he used to be able to count on Ethan to be his North Star. That he could look for, a guide post of some kind to lead him out of the maze he was lost in. He has nothing, now. He’s  _ lost _ , and he can’t see any way to get out. The maze turned into a cage, no exit or even a way he could try to get out.

So he laid awake, alone in his bed, and wondered why he’s still here, lost as he is.

He’s alone, and he never felt this alone before. He felt absolutely,  _ horrifyingly,  _ **_alone_ ** **.**

And he wondered why he’s still here.

Why is he still here, when there’s no one looking for him?

Why is he still  _ here? _

This feeling of displacement was something he had been feeling for a long time. A sense of being lost, but he tried to navigate through it. However, the feeling never goes away. It accumulates and adds up, and now he was feeling its weight in his chest. 

He always wondered how nothingness could feel so  _ heavy. _

He was lost and alone, and the weight in his chest felt like it would crush him. And there isn’t anyone can do about it. There’s nothing he can do about it. 

He just wanted to  _ sleep _ . He was okay when he was asleep. Everything was lighter when he’s asleep. Even the nightmares weren’t so bad.

He couldn’t stop being disappointed whenever he wakes up.

And now he laid awake, staring at nothing but the darkened ceiling as a myriad of colored lights played. The house was silent, and he was alone, and he wondered  _ why am I still here? _

Even when he cried, tears falling down his cheek and to his pillow, he can’t bring himself to try to hide his face. There’s no one to see him, so he let the tears fall while he lies awake, staring at the lights that becomes blurry with his own tears.

**TBC(?)**

**Author's Note:**

> This may or may not TBC. Also, I stopped posting in Wattpad and will just post here. I'm aware though Wattpad is where most of the readers in this fandom are, so I do hope you who reads this can spare a kind word in the comments? Or just tell me if I should just take on the 100% angsty route (as I usually do with Grayson angst) or have Ethan be a great big bro we know he can be and have this end on a fluffier note.
> 
> Another note, I actually haven't really followed the twins all that much any more. They make me sad nowadays. But, I do still hope the best for them and may whatever bad things that may happen (or not happen, I really haven't decided yet) in this story is just that, a story, born of an active imagination.


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